According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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