Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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