Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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