I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
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All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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