I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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