Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
