I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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