This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
