So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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