dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
