In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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