I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
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Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
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I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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