On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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