This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
