This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
