I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
