You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
pray to the hookup gods
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
