I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
