what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
