Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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