Where did you get a picture of my penis
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
