I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
