Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
