I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
