Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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