K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
