are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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