im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
