I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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