my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
