just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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