I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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