If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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