Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
