Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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