You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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