there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
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Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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