My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
