I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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