I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
