Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
