theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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