Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
