i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
