I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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