I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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