how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
