Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
