this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
