I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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