If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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