Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
