he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
