2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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