How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
