Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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