i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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