she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
COCAINE IS GR8
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
