I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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